sekrit life of raccoons

The raccoons in our neck of the woods lead pretty raucous lives. They tip over trash cans and fight under back porches…

we came home from vacation a couple years ago, Al went into the house
first to (he said) chase the raccoons out. The girls and I sat in the car,
thinking about what the raccoons could be doing – surfing the
internet? (reading furry porn says I, and Al cracks up) or boating in
the flooded cellar in the pasta pot? or maybe dealing marshmallows out
the back door to the neighboring raccoons? They had cleared out before
we got home, and tidied up after themselves, but we wondered.

the raccoons have my wallet. It got removed from the car, unless it
fell out, at the park where we were sailing this afternoon. I can
imagine them, driving a car like Shanenon Garrity's hamsters, massed behind a mask and a trench coat,
using my license for ID. They have the credit cards too. What can a
raccoon do with a credit card? Nothing now that I've cancelled them,
but imagine, if you will, the kids' tool section of the newly opened
Home Depot. If that doesn't make your blood run cold, you are not
thinking. Hammers, saws, nail guns, batteries – so long as their
disguise remains intact, they can acquire all the makings for doomsday
weapons. Or for really properly attacking the garbage, and the raccoon
proof containers at the park.

So I imagine them ordering
steaks from Omaha Steak co. and a weber grill and having a jolly-up in
the woods where no one can find them. Maybe beer. Can you get beer
online? or do they have to rely on their disguise?

And reading furry porn.